Have you ever experienced true heartbreak? Like literally had someone that was in your heart, hurt your heart and break you? Not physically, but mentally? You lose your trust in others based on that type of extreme disappointment?
Did you know a heartbreak can come from a soulmate? Someone you met during your lifetime that held so much value to you, that you truly adored; can be the biggest heartbreak you experience in this lifetime?
A woman I loved dearly, absolutely broke my heart in the most ugliest way. She was my everything. The only true friend I’d ever had after a lifetime of foster care, a bad adoption, and moving from group home to group home. She was the only solid relationship I’d ever held with anyone. My love for her caused another long term, yet distant friendship, to dissolve. Jealousy. Jealousy of her meaning in my life caused an ex friend jealousy regarding this friends rank in my life.
Heartbreak just isn’t for heterosexual or homosexuals, it can be caused by a loving, close relationship that you feel like has connected you to your soulmate. I viewed her as that. My soulmate, my closest friend, my family. We did everything together. We hung out at least 2-3 times a week and even more when I moved closer to her. Then she abandoned me when I needed her the most.
At my wedding!
She was very distracted talking only about herself and how I needed to hurry up and figure out my bridesmaids and wedding dress at the dress fitting. She was so uninterested in me, in what I wanted. She played and joked, holding dresses up in front of herself talking about how good she looked if she was to wear one of them. She never tried to help me pick out anything, while still griping about how she had to get back to work, that she was missing working at her father’s restaurant to be there.
My foster sister who was a bridesmaid in attendance was disgusted. She asked me, “is this supposed to be your maid of honor?” I replied yes. She responded, “well you might wanna think about getting a real friend to be that, all she did before you came is complain about how she was missing work and you needed to hurry up and get there so she could leave.” She told me, that’s not a real friend. She should be excited for you to arrive so she can help you.” At the end of the dress shopping, the maid of honor left.
My foster sister and I left out at the same time. My foster sister told me “that’s not how a friend acts a dress fitting, she never made this experience about you. She only cared about herself and how she would look, that’s not cool.”
This friend was always hyper and always talking about herself and her relationship that was on and off with her child’s father. I was used to her dominating the conversations and always making things about herself, but she was my closest friend. I had never had any real friendships and all I cared about is that she desired my presence in her life. She was always cooking and drinking, and going out, and I was always invited. I loved being around her. I loved playing with her, and hanging out, she was the life of the party EVERY time, and she was always treating me and my boys out when we weren’t just hanging out at her house. I thought she was the BEST friend I’d ever had. Our kids were only a year apart from each other. We both had two. She had two girls, and I, two boys.
It was a few weeks before my wedding and she hadn’t texted me back about her bridesmaid dress. I had sent her a picture about a month back, and never got a response even after calling her and sending follow up texts. The week before my wedding, after still not hearing anything, I realized she was abandoning me on my wedding day. She wasn’t coming. She wasn’t going to be my maid of honor. My fiancé at the time had to eliminate one of his groomsmen as we would be a person short on my end.
A few months later, my other relationship dissolved with a supposed friend. She’d stated that I chose the other friend over her in my wedding and she thought we were closer than that. This friend, I only saw like every 2-3 months. I don’t know what she felt ‘close’ friendship meant, but I didn’t think we were close enough for me to give her that title, so I lost two friends all around my marriage.
My runaway maid of honor, never reached out to me after my wedding. Two years later, I got the nerve to call her and asked what happened. I cried my eyes out. She was as cold as ice as she told me she had come across a traumatic experience and the police had taken her phone for a few. When I pointed out that she only lived 2 blocks away and could have come to my house in person knowing that I was getting married, she then stated that my posts about her abandoning me on my big day, was told to her by mutual associates, and she was pissed.
Like what?! Your pissed about me being upset you went ghost right before and on my wedding day, didn’t show up, call, or just drive two blocks away, to tell me what was going on?
She told me she just really didn’t care. She felt that all of her friendships were one sided and that she was always the one giving. I had never known she felt that way. I didn’t have anything to give. I was a single mom with two kids, and my income was very limited as I did not live in public housing and didn’t get any assistance outside of food stamps and Medicaid.
She, on the other hand was the daughter of a popular restaurant family in the Asian community and had an Autistic daughter who received assistance, as well as she had a job. I didn’t have the support system she did which is why I never offered to do anything or feed anyone, or pay for our club entries, she did.
She always offered SOMETHING. If I would have known she was frustrated with being a giver in our friendships, I would have rejected her constant offerings. She told me I was not the only one she’d cut off. She’d cut off most of her friendships due to the traumatic experience she witnessed with one of her close male friends and because she was sick of being used. I didn’t know using someone was accepting their acts of gifts and giving. I had never asked her for anything, EVER.
She, was the only heartbreak I have ever experienced. I have never loved a man the way I loved her. She was my everything. The only solid connection I had ever experienced in life after exiting the foster care system. The love and care I experienced with her, was new, felt right, made me feel valued and truly loved. These feelings were feelings I had never experienced as a child.
We talk every once in a blue moon now, but obviously, it will never be the close knit relationship we once had. It truly hurts me…..bad…to the core. I really loved her, unlike anyone…besides my children.
The fact that our dissolved friendship doesn’t bother her, hurts me even more. Makes me feel worthless. The importance she had in my life, I didn’t hold in hers, and coming from a childhood of abandonment and rejection, that’s a tough pill to swallow.
So now at this point in life, I don’t trust growing close to anyone anymore because I never want to feel my heart torn from my soul EVER again.
Sad, how one person can completely change your life and perception of mankind with one gesture of abandonment.