She Broke My Heart After Helping Me Find It

Have you ever experienced true heartbreak? Like literally had someone that was in your heart, hurt your heart and break you? Not physically, but mentally? You lose your trust in others based on that type of extreme disappointment?

Did you know a heartbreak can come from a soulmate? Someone you met during your lifetime that held so much value to you, that you truly adored; can be the biggest heartbreak you experience in this lifetime?

A woman I loved dearly, absolutely broke my heart in the most ugliest way. She was my everything. The only true friend I’d ever had after a lifetime of foster care, a bad adoption, and moving from group home to group home. She was the only solid relationship I’d ever held with anyone. My love for her caused another long term, yet distant friendship, to dissolve. Jealousy. Jealousy of her meaning in my life caused an ex friend jealousy regarding this friends rank in my life.

Heartbreak just isn’t for heterosexual or homosexuals, it can be caused by a loving, close relationship that you feel like has connected you to your soulmate. I viewed her as that. My soulmate, my closest friend, my family. We did everything together. We hung out at least 2-3 times a week and even more when I moved closer to her. Then she abandoned me when I needed her the most.

At my wedding!

She was very distracted talking only about herself and how I needed to hurry up and figure out my bridesmaids and wedding dress at the dress fitting. She was so uninterested in me, in what I wanted. She played and joked, holding dresses up in front of herself talking about how good she looked if she was to wear one of them. She never tried to help me pick out anything, while still griping about how she had to get back to work, that she was missing working at her father’s restaurant to be there.

My foster sister who was a bridesmaid in attendance was disgusted. She asked me, “is this supposed to be your maid of honor?” I replied yes. She responded, “well you might wanna think about getting a real friend to be that, all she did before you came is complain about how she was missing work and you needed to hurry up and get there so she could leave.” She told me, that’s not a real friend. She should be excited for you to arrive so she can help you.” At the end of the dress shopping, the maid of honor left.

My foster sister and I left out at the same time. My foster sister told me “that’s not how a friend acts a dress fitting, she never made this experience about you. She only cared about herself and how she would look, that’s not cool.”

This friend was always hyper and always talking about herself and her relationship that was on and off with her child’s father. I was used to her dominating the conversations and always making things about herself, but she was my closest friend. I had never had any real friendships and all I cared about is that she desired my presence in her life. She was always cooking and drinking, and going out, and I was always invited. I loved being around her. I loved playing with her, and hanging out, she was the life of the party EVERY time, and she was always treating me and my boys out when we weren’t just hanging out at her house. I thought she was the BEST friend I’d ever had. Our kids were only a year apart from each other. We both had two. She had two girls, and I, two boys.

It was a few weeks before my wedding and she hadn’t texted me back about her bridesmaid dress. I had sent her a picture about a month back, and never got a response even after calling her and sending follow up texts. The week before my wedding, after still not hearing anything, I realized she was abandoning me on my wedding day. She wasn’t coming. She wasn’t going to be my maid of honor. My fiancé at the time had to eliminate one of his groomsmen as we would be a person short on my end.

A few months later, my other relationship dissolved with a supposed friend. She’d stated that I chose the other friend over her in my wedding and she thought we were closer than that. This friend, I only saw like every 2-3 months. I don’t know what she felt ‘close’ friendship meant, but I didn’t think we were close enough for me to give her that title, so I lost two friends all around my marriage.

My runaway maid of honor, never reached out to me after my wedding. Two years later, I got the nerve to call her and asked what happened. I cried my eyes out. She was as cold as ice as she told me she had come across a traumatic experience and the police had taken her phone for a few. When I pointed out that she only lived 2 blocks away and could have come to my house in person knowing that I was getting married, she then stated that my posts about her abandoning me on my big day, was told to her by mutual associates, and she was pissed.

Like what?! Your pissed about me being upset you went ghost right before and on my wedding day, didn’t show up, call, or just drive two blocks away, to tell me what was going on?

The nerve.

She told me she just really didn’t care. She felt that all of her friendships were one sided and that she was always the one giving. I had never known she felt that way. I didn’t have anything to give. I was a single mom with two kids, and my income was very limited as I did not live in public housing and didn’t get any assistance outside of food stamps and Medicaid.

She, on the other hand was the daughter of a popular restaurant family in the Asian community and had an Autistic daughter who received assistance, as well as she had a job. I didn’t have the support system she did which is why I never offered to do anything or feed anyone, or pay for our club entries, she did.

She always offered SOMETHING. If I would have known she was frustrated with being a giver in our friendships, I would have rejected her constant offerings. She told me I was not the only one she’d cut off. She’d cut off most of her friendships due to the traumatic experience she witnessed with one of her close male friends and because she was sick of being used. I didn’t know using someone was accepting their acts of gifts and giving. I had never asked her for anything, EVER.

She, was the only heartbreak I have ever experienced. I have never loved a man the way I loved her. She was my everything. The only solid connection I had ever experienced in life after exiting the foster care system. The love and care I experienced with her, was new, felt right, made me feel valued and truly loved. These feelings were feelings I had never experienced as a child.

We talk every once in a blue moon now, but obviously, it will never be the close knit relationship we once had. It truly hurts me…..bad…to the core. I really loved her, unlike anyone…besides my children.

The fact that our dissolved friendship doesn’t bother her, hurts me even more. Makes me feel worthless. The importance she had in my life, I didn’t hold in hers, and coming from a childhood of abandonment and rejection, that’s a tough pill to swallow.

So now at this point in life, I don’t trust growing close to anyone anymore because I never want to feel my heart torn from my soul EVER again.

Sad, how one person can completely change your life and perception of mankind with one gesture of abandonment.

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Mommies Dearest

I feel pain. I feel heartbreak. I feel hurt. I feel confusion. I feel nasty. I feel dirty. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassment. I feel ALONE!

When I re-received my files yesterday from the state detailing the happenings of my life right before I was adopted out, I don’t know what I was expecting. I wanted to just have those papers in the event that any of the work I am doing called for it in the future. 

I actually had been expecting my adoption files that detailed the horrific abuse I endured at the hands of my adoptive mother before the adoption was terminated. I had received my foster care files years ago when I was around 20 years old. I am now 35. When I read my files then, they read differently, they looked different.

I comprehended what I read so much differently back then, than I did yesterday! When reading my files at the young age of 20, there was only one thing on my mind; knowing who my bio family was and finding them. I scanned over everything. Some things caught my eye. Other things hurt my feelings. I was blind to the severity of what I was reading because I was only focused on certain aspects of the reports in my attempt to reconnect.

YESTERDAY, Halloween Day, when I received this file yet again, after losing my previous file years ago, due to moving to a new home every two years and being careless; it was like my eyes put on a spectacle to read the words and my brain actually comprehended the text. I knew my mom told them she never loved me. I knew she told them I was a demon child. I knew she didn’t like me and would treat me mean at the visits while loving on my brother and sister. I remembered all of that from experiencing and reading the file back then. Yet, after finding her and her going silent on me when asking can she move in with me and my two young sons, I took her in. 

I didn’t want to lose ‘my mommy’ again.

I took in someone they told me hated me. I took in someone that never took me into her heart. I opened up my doors to give her shelter, food, and the love from me and my two boys, things she’d never given me, PURPOSELY. I took in a stranger whose womb I grew in, who I discovered yesterday, told the workers she would pull herself together to get my brother and sister back, but they could keep me.

THIS IS NOT THE WORST PART OF MY NEW FINDINGS…..of things already read but not noticed and comprehended. 

My bio mom. The lady who gave birth to a demon. The woman who hated the child she gave birth to, she was sexually abusing her. She was touching me and letting me watch her engage in sexual acts with men. Her brother, one of my 3 Uncles, although the file didn’t show a name, was sexually abusing me as well. I was acting out sexually and doing things no 4 year old should have been doing. The files said my discussion at the therapy’s sessions was obsession with food and sex. 

The social workers findings was that I was the most physically abused, sexually abused, and malnourished in comparison to my brother and sister. So I was hit the most, touched the most, and starved the most……

I talked about breasts and ‘cooters.’

‘COOTERS this being a term that my bio mom has said to me as an adult woman when discussing various things. This word struck me in my heart and my spirit deflated. 

I honestly wasn’t too sure if I should believe the words I was reading up until that point. At this point I knew my mom was also my sexual predator. She sexually used me until the state took me from her care at 3 1/2 years old and then expressed her disgust and hatred of my existence.

My subconscious mind must have remembered this trauma as my body has been shut down most of my marriage and I was careless most of my young adulthood.

I feel weird now, I’m just going to be honest. 

I am saddened that her trauma has caused me intimacy problems with the one person in my life that wholeheartedly loves me the most and deserves the intimate parts of me. I’m upset that I can not be soft, calm, and submissive, and instead have my guards up all the time unintentionally, based on what she, my uncle and some 10 year old boy did to me as a BABY, A TODDLER! 

Here I am struggling to love myself. Finding it hard to believe I am beautiful. Trying to justify and explain why I am the way I am, and I have been missing so many pieces to my very NOW. The reports read I sung to the therapist, telling them I was an ugly dark little girl and mommy had a new daughter because if it. My mother told them I was too dark. She told me I was ugly and she had my sister because I did not meet her expectations. 

I have struggled with self-esteem issues my entire life. I have never felt pretty. I have gotten offended when people told me I was. I have hidden my face not going anywhere unnecessarily because I was hiding my ugliness.

I thought this behavior stemmed from the bullying I experienced as a young adult when the other girls were jealous of men liking me over them. While that had something to do with it, the complexity of it all was shame of my image. My mother told me I was ugly and sexually abused me anyways, the girls told me I was ugly and bullied me, and the men told me I was pretty and so I freely gave myself to them. 

I was afraid of being beautiful. I have been afraid to be pretty. I don’t even know how to do my own makeup. When I am dressed and my hair is done, I have to fake my confidence to feel like what others tell me I look like. I have avoided being liked because how could anyone really like me? If I’m pretty, the girls don’t like me. If I’m ugly, the guys want to sleep with me. If I don’t sleep with them, than I must be ugly. 

The confusion this reading just caused me is unexplainable and it is devastating. Yet, it is helping me figure out some of my shortcomings and issues. It hurts opening up old wounds. It is exhausting discovering such sad things happened to me that I don’t fully remember. It’s also just as hurtful and difficult knowing that these situations are still replaying in the back of my mind affecting my current life. I will take this information and work on getting the help I need now that I know exactly what that is!

I was ALSO the most abused of my adoptive mothers 5 adopted children as well. No one that should have loved me had ever even liked me. At 17 almost 18, I found my adoptive mother and asked her why she’d abused me. She told me I was heathen and I did not know how to let anyone love me. She also denied the abuse. 

This is my story!

LADIES PLEASE STOP having kids you don’t really want! If you’re not going to treat them right, don’t assume someone else will……because that is NOT always the result of giving your child up! 

Pacifier

Why are women so quick to excuse men bad behavior? Why is everything they do wrong, pacified and made light of with the suggestions of “that’s just men, that’s what men do, it could be worse.”

Women, we are expected to be patient, loving and nurturing to our children, cook, clean, and work a full time job. With men it’s like it’s okay for them to fall apart, be annoyed, lose their patience; because ‘they’re a man.’

Why is a woman expected to be Superman but the man can just play Robin; a sidekick that only comes in when you’re starting to fall apart?

Women are so strong and it is used against us!

The expectation that we will figure it out, we will get through it, we will catch everybody else when they fall, is what leads to the bad moods, the intimacy disruptions, the mental breakdowns, the feeling of ‘never being good enough, never being enough.’

The frustration that comes from a part time, full time live in; male counterpart, is what feeds into the frustration and short tempers towards the children and spouse.

We WANT to do everything for our families and be the one that builds the foundation for our family and children’s lives.

BUT, we get tired. We get restless. We get over stimulated. We get overwhelmed. We feel defeated by the small things because we’re always focused on fixing the bigger things.

We want a break.

Society makes it seem as if a mother who wants to step away and take a break from her children, isn’t fit to be a mother because the assumption is that she doesn’t want her children. The stigma of what a mom is and isn’t supposed to do when raising children and having a spouse, varies so much and you can’t compete with everyone’s version.

They type of mom I am:

Strict, Involved, Emotional, Short; as in straight to the point, Goofy yet; Straight to point and I take/accept NO NONSENSE.

Type of wife I am:

“I am not your slave, your nanny, your ‘play thing’ , when I’m tired YOU WILL KNOW.

When I am fed up YOU WILL BE TOLD.

When I don’t feel like cleaning that day and can’t find the energy to play with the kids—-YOU NEED TO PICK UP WHERE I LEFT OFF.

I am not submissive in all ways if it is not sensitive to my needs, desires, or wants. I go with the flow and do my best day to day, and if it’s not good enough, I’m the mother and wife who responds “OH WELL.”

I am not superwoman and I WILL NEVER BE! I do not believe in pacifying anyone or excusing any behaviors that are unacceptable or unfair to me regardless of age, sex, race, etc.

If you’re not a baby you get no pacifier from me!

What is it?

It’s like one day I’m superman and the next day I feel like his weakest opponent.

I feel like I can take on the world and have strong faith that all of my dreams are for sure coming true.

The next day the thoughts of, “what am I doing?” comes to mind and I feel completely defeated and depleted. I often fight my own thoughts because I know they say the brain is a powerful tool and to only think positive.

But how can I only think positive when there are so many questions and learning that I must achieve to make it anywhere in life?

Here I am, 35 with five children and married, and I just figured out “what I want to be when I get older.” I’m already older, pretty much; with an entire family.

I fight mom guilt on a daily while chasing behind my dreams for current and former foster youth. I hold myself up and back by procrastinating. I use taking care of all these kids and a household as my excuse.

Yes, I know, it’s self sabotage. However, how is having a family not a legitimate excuse as to why it’s taking me so long to take the next step, learn the next thing; so on and so forth……

It’s like the real reasons are my excuses, and these reasons are excusing me from not doing more. I NEED TO DO MORE!

I want to progress. I want to succeed. I want success. I want to be successful. I want to win.

Why have I just figured out my “why” at the point where my life is so insanely chaotic and hectic?

I’m trying my hardest to keep going….to keep learning while tickling my 22 mo, while teaching my 7 yo to read better, while helping my 5 yo wipe his butt (not sure why he can’t figure that out for himself yet (hand over face). I’m learning while cooking, mothering, wife-ing, and trying to not lose myself in the midst of it all.

What is it? What is it about those 30 something year old ‘life is happening moments’ that we suddenly decide after building our “Little House On The Prairie” family lives, that we want to be all that we can be?

NOTHING is easy after having kids and creating an entire family! My goodness……I wish I would just become invisible and invincible for one entire week and JUST DO IT!

Scared

Sometimes I just want out. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my feelings. I don’t trust my thoughts. I feel like I am THE problem. I think that maybe I create the problems.

I just can not seem to find a sense of happiness. I know people say happiness is something you create, but how can you create something you have never seen or experienced? How can you live something you have never lived?

Everyone is such a huge disappointment in your life because you have no true clue what life is supposed to look like. If you have lived your entire life in miserable, sad situations, from childhood, stemming through adulthood, how do you adjust?

I hate being here in this world because I cannot seem to get use to everything and everyone in it. I’m so sad inside because I feel like I do not know where I am going or where to go for that matter. I am so afraid of the ‘what ifs.’ I’m afraid to leave unhappy situations because maybe the next situation will make me unhappier.

I feel stuck in every scenario and I don’t know if that’s okay. I don’t know if the things that make me sad and disappointed are real or validated. Do I have the right to validate my feelings if I don’t have the right perceptions? How about if my perceptions and feelings are correct?

I’m so tired. Tired of not knowing what I want, who I want or where I want to be or who I want to be. I’m tired of being miserable in situations and just dealing with it because I have always had to do so in the past. I’m tired of hurting from self sabotage and possibly unnecessary disappointment in others.

I’m exhausted from overthinking, not trusting my thoughts, not trusting others, trusting the wrong people and expecting things; it seems like I will never get from life.

I’m burned out with my brain. I feel like it’s slowly deteriorating from anxiety, depression and misery.

I’m scared because I am not living, I’m just existing, in misery and despair and I don’t know how to leave this world I have created in my own mind!

It’s Not You, It Kind Of Is, But It Really Is Me

You know how I cringe when you go to hug me?

Well it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve suffered through so much physical and sexual trauma, my skin crawls sometimes from a simple touch. There’s triggers all over the place. Bad reminders that haunt me EVERY TIME any little thing happens.

Now how is it you, you ask?

Well when you yell at me, when you curse at me, when you loom over me angrily, you are my trigger.

You think I’m a crybaby, that I’m sensitive. Well when you walk in my shoes, you would understand why I don’t respond well to angry individuals.

Oh but wait, you will never have to walk in my shoes because you could never be me, right?

Well the least you can do is not consistently say you understand, but actually show you care.

I know, one day, I’m okay, one day I’m not. I promise you dealing with trauma and PTSD is one of the most annoying and depressive things you can suffer through on a daily.

I use to force myself to accept touch, to kiss, to allow intimacy in the bedroom, but it was at the expense of my anxiety. I couldn’t take the crying, sobbing uncontrollably, and the mind controlled hand smacks I was inflicting on my chest while you got your pleasure from reaching climax.

While you enjoyed yourself, and fixed your mind not to focus on the weirdness of a woman crying beneath you, my focus was on a past rape, a sexual assault, and how dare you continue to make love to me knowing I was literally crumbling beneath you, not by your weight but your lack of empathy.

I know, you have been hearing; “give me a day”, everyday for a month, or two at a time, sometimes longer, but I can’t put a time on healing. I can’t put a time on when I will ACTUALLY feel better. I am sorry I am not the sexualized, ‘want it everyday,’ type of wife.

I warned you, I told you. I divulged and exposed every situation I had ever been through and told you I was non emotional, non intimate unless on my time and choice. I told you my feelings are short felt and that’s why I’d been in so many relationships.

You still asked me to marry you. With a smile, with a promise to always understand and be gentle.

Yet, you say you understand, but make menacing comments, you get upset, you speak to me with so much anger and irritation in your voice. When I force ‘it’, without an emotional break down, hoping that will calm you assuming it’s my lack of giving you what you need as a man; you are good, but only for that day.

So what’s a woman who has a history of sexual assault, verbal assault, childhood abuse, plus rape, and molestation, all before the age of 15, and an adult domestic violence survivor, supposed to do? I don’t know if I will ever be ‘normal.’

I don’t know if I’ll ever be calm enough to just let ‘it’ or ‘anything’ just naturally flow or happen.

So for better or worse with you accepting and understanding my stance, while continuing to be loving and supportive, or forever we remain miserably married because I can not give you all of me, as I feel you deserve and should have in a healthy marriage?

Assume

You think you want it from what you see

You don’t know how hard it is to be me

You outside, looking at the outside

Not knowing the pain that I feel inside

Yeah, you thought it was all good

Don’t let my smile fool ya

I think you misunderstood

Some days I don’t wanna be me

I cry many a nights cuz I just wanna be free

My past, pains, keep haunting me

I wanna move on

They just won’t let me be

Let me great

The damage has been done, it’s already  too late

I try to escape through my thoughts

Which drive me wild, I haven’t been at peace ever

Or it’s been a long while

If you see my smile, don’t think its all gravy

My emotional rollercoaster got my mind all wavy

What you think I got, I guarantee you’re wrong

I’ve been messed with by damn near everyone

I really want to be left alone

You can never feel my pain

Or say you understand

Because you’ll never be me, walk in my shoes, do you understand?

Life doesn’t come easy

There is no lesson plan

We just take one day at a time

Hoping  the bad stuff subsides

Why I gotta go through hell just to learn a lesson

When I’d always do right if I just got my blessings

Why was I chosen to be the chosen one

Maybe I didn’t want the challenge; maybe I wanted to have fun

Stolen memories, childhood and life

Now I’m struggling to love

While being someone’s mom & wife

Nobody ever showed or taught me what love is

Yet I’m expected to dish out the shit

When you living all alone in your mind

And you just dragging along with the times

And you just can’t figure out the whys

What do you do

Do I look okay to you

If only you knew what my heart feels, what my mind does think

Do you really know the feeling of defeat

My world, my small world in my head

Has me constantly wanted to go hide and never leave the bed

I don’t know if what I ever feel is true or real

Right or wrong, I really don’t know how to feel

If what I feel is based on trauma, doesn’t mean I’m making making up a life of drama

Can I feel and it be valid

Not based on my past like that’s always it

If you think you know me guess again

I really keep failing in life

When all I’ve tried to do is win

I’m ignored, disregarded and passed by

I feel like a reject that’s why I always cry

Trying my hardest to get someone to see me

Had me changing my life to whoever else every wanted me to be

Still played, talked about and picked on

So I’m living in a world full of people, all ALONE?

Tired

I just feel so tired of it all, all the time. I try so hard to maintain my sanity, my household and my children. I feel so alone in the fight to do all these things and I am just burned out. I have worked hard all my life to maintain a good life. I never want to lose. I never want to give up or give in, but sometimes I am just excited at the prospect of doing nothing!

I am constantly trying. I am constantly giving. I am constantly thinking, planning and executing thoughts and ideas to create a better life for myself and children. The only thing that is never constant is me taking care of myself. I can not seem to get the time, patience or space to just think about me and I never have the energy to just do something for me. Every now and then the opportunity is created for the break away, but I don’t trust anyone with my children to actually accept the offer.

I wonder if I make myself miserable which leads the constant mental exhaustion I feel within myself. I have so many expectations and qualities I want from others, although I probably don’t fit half of them, but at least I know my children are straight if all of those qualities are met. I know people say I need to relax and allow someone the opportunity to help me out, but then I feel like I am not protecting my children. I must protect them as priority and myself, as the person that must always be prepared to do anything for them.

I have tried to birth so many ideas, turn so many dreams into reality, yet I am unable to get the right head space to think, to do, to be. I love my children so much though. I look at all five of them everyday and think to myself about how blessed I am to have them in my life. I am proud of them, I am proud of me for creating them. I am grateful I get to raise them and enjoy them growing up. Yet, I am very tired.

My tired is a choice. My tired is self inflicted. I try not to complain, but is venting complaining, is realization a complaint? I thank God for everything he has done, provided and continues to provide and I wouldn’t change being a mommy to 4 boys and 1 girl, for anything or anyone in the world!

Steady

We focus on this one bad ‘possible’ thing. As we sit and think, analyze and dwell on possibilities of bad, we completely ignore or forget about the good. We get ourselves worked up over absolutely nothing and become sad, angry or depressed over these thoughts of what ‘we don’t know.’ Welcome to the overwhelming emotion, ANXIETY!

How do you know, if it hasn’t or isn’t going to happen? An anxious minds just expects and suspects the outcome to be whatever their mind tells them. You try your hardest to focus on other things and eliminate that one thing out of your mind, but it always creeps right back up in the ‘between thoughts.’ No matter what, you are steadily thinking on these assumed to be bad future happenings.

I have struggled with anxiety since my teen years. I come from a background of true traumas that were always associated with an end result of what I would consider a good day or time. I always lived in fear with the environment I was subjected to. Whenever I called myself being satisfied or happy, it would be in vain because it was short lived. I eventually found myself just planning on and for the bad to avoid the disappointment or completely avoiding a next step so that I wouldn’t assume an outcome, beforehand.

Anxiety has taught me that you miss out on PLENTY when your focused on everything but the end goal and how to get it met. I’ve lived a turtle life; stuck inside my shell calling myself protecting me, from the unknown. Problem with my hiding for the last 10 years, is that I possibly missed out on great and astounding opportunities. I held myself back from things that could have took me further. I definitely regret my self doubt aka ANXIETY!

Mind over matter. What matters vs the mind. It’s a non win situation. You don’t want to let fear; THE REAL EQUATION OF ANXIETY, disrupt your possible success or progress. I have recently within the last year; been combating against my wish washy, fearful mind. I have forced myself to go ahead; do it, move forward, stop thinking on the what ifs and concentrate on the possibilities of wonderful opportunities and successes.

With this new attitude, I have adapted a new sense of self confidence that I have never experienced. I literally feel like I can conquer the world and anything that comes with being in it. Like Mcauly Caulkin in “Home Alone” “I’m not afraid anymore.” It feels so good to not fear the great potential I have to become somebody or do some-thing! I know my purpose and the anxiety held me back for a short time.

However, that mental setback could have been to build my strength up over time. When you know that you’ve had something great within you, and you finally get to experience it, it’s like a rush of adrenaline that you don’t want to slow down; pushing you do what you never thought you could do or become what you never thought you could be!

For those that are struggling with constant anxiety and fear; I urge you to write down your dream, wants, goals, plans, ambitions and create a timeline of what, when, how or why in regards to seeing those things become a reality vs a thought!

Bittersweet

I look at her dancing and twirling around and I think about how much I love her. I adore how she always smiles at me when she’s doing something cute. She just knows that mommy is focused on her. I love how she gives me this look of “mommy, I love you.” I admire how she wants to include me in everything she does and how she loves me no matter what. I get so excited when she just comes up to me and says she loves me then puckers up her lips for a kiss. I kiss her, she smiles and wipes it off while looking at me. I just smile and tell her; “whatever, don’t wipe away mommy kisses.”

 

She runs off, back to play with whatever it is that is occupying her precious time. Today, something so BEAUTIFUL l brought me to tears. I couldn’t see just the beauty of her innocence, I saw the pain of a young girl her age. I saw the darkness of reality behind her bright light. I thought about how cute she is, how innocent she is, how sweet her voice and touch is to my soul. I saw a little angel that loves her mother and family to the moon.

The tears begin to pour heavily. Her angelic being hurt my heart while caressing it.

I remember being taken from my mother at her age. My daughter is two years old. I spend my days dancing with her, singing with her and eating her play food. My mother, when I was that age, was chasing behind drugs and the man that supplied them for her. At my daughters age I was being left alone in the house as if I was a teenager. I thought about how my baby girl screams and cries if I even walk down the steps without her knowing. She cries until I’m back in her sight. Did I do the same when my mother was leaving me alone? How long did I cry, how long did I search for her face?

 

I accidentally locked myself out of the house a few months ago while my baby girl was in the home alone. Well, she actually locked the door when I went out of it to grab something from my vehicle. I pretty much had a panic attack and cried the entire 10 minutes it took for the fire department to arrive and let me in. I felt terrible and like a neglectful mother just from my mistake. How could any woman leave her precious, small, helpless child alone for hours on end?

 

As my daughter continues to dance and mumble a song she doesn’t know the words to, my mind leads me to some dark memories. A few months from her age now, I was in a foster home being molested by older boys. I was being humiliated and mistreated in front of all the other kids in the home. I was already being abused for my mistakes and talked to as if I was nothing.

 

My daughters face is so beautiful, so precious, so cute. I couldn’t imagine hitting her in it, bringing a sad face or tears to it over simple things she’s not responsible for. How could ANYONE hurt a small, defenseless being physically or verbally? Some say you’re not healed of your past if you cry over it. I have to agree to disagree. Your past is what defines you as an adult. You can’t forget about the past, you just don’t let it take over your present. I cried because I love my daughter so much and know I would NEVER allow her to deal with or go through the things I went through at her age.

I cried because I know no child deserves the pain that I once felt at her age. I’m not crying from anger, irritation, or because I hate anyone, I’m crying because I don’t understand how or why thousands of women have children to abuse them or hand them off to a STRANGER!

 

My past DOES define me, but for the best, not the worse. My past does not dictate my very being today. My flashbacks are reminders of how far I’ve come. They’re my motivation moments to keep me going and dealing with my 4 children. My memories that bring sadness to my heart, also brings joy to my soul because I’ve overcome that time and place in life. How can we become better individuals if we don’t take a walk down memory lane every now and then?

A sad past should bring about strength and confidence while living in your present. My past has shaped me into a loving, caring, involved, and observant mother. My bittersweet reminisce moments keeps me on my toes, keeps me going and reminds me of what I’ve made it through while encouraging me to never give up!

 

I don’t find anything wrong, nor do I consider it weakness or a sign of not healing, to spill a few tears based on sad moments from your past. I see strength and courage for being able to revisit those painful moments and using them to get you through a tough time at that moment. My view is that crying is a sign of healing, not failing to move on.

I’m grateful for my bittersweet reminisce moments because they get me through tough moments when I’m ready to explode or give up on myself! They show me, I’ve been through too much and SUCCESSFULLY made it through to many terrible things in life to try and quit now!