I look at her dancing and twirling around and I think about how much I love her. I adore how she always smiles at me when she’s doing something cute. She just knows that mommy is focused on her. I love how she gives me this look of “mommy, I love you.” I admire how she wants to include me in everything she does and how she loves me no matter what. I get so excited when she just comes up to me and says she loves me then puckers up her lips for a kiss. I kiss her, she smiles and wipes it off while looking at me. I just smile and tell her; “whatever, don’t wipe away mommy kisses.”
She runs off, back to play with whatever it is that is occupying her precious time. Today, something so BEAUTIFUL l brought me to tears. I couldn’t see just the beauty of her innocence, I saw the pain of a young girl her age. I saw the darkness of reality behind her bright light. I thought about how cute she is, how innocent she is, how sweet her voice and touch is to my soul. I saw a little angel that loves her mother and family to the moon.
The tears begin to pour heavily. Her angelic being hurt my heart while caressing it.
I remember being taken from my mother at her age. My daughter is two years old. I spend my days dancing with her, singing with her and eating her play food. My mother, when I was that age, was chasing behind drugs and the man that supplied them for her. At my daughters age I was being left alone in the house as if I was a teenager. I thought about how my baby girl screams and cries if I even walk down the steps without her knowing. She cries until I’m back in her sight. Did I do the same when my mother was leaving me alone? How long did I cry, how long did I search for her face?
I accidentally locked myself out of the house a few months ago while my baby girl was in the home alone. Well, she actually locked the door when I went out of it to grab something from my vehicle. I pretty much had a panic attack and cried the entire 10 minutes it took for the fire department to arrive and let me in. I felt terrible and like a neglectful mother just from my mistake. How could any woman leave her precious, small, helpless child alone for hours on end?
As my daughter continues to dance and mumble a song she doesn’t know the words to, my mind leads me to some dark memories. A few months from her age now, I was in a foster home being molested by older boys. I was being humiliated and mistreated in front of all the other kids in the home. I was already being abused for my mistakes and talked to as if I was nothing.
My daughters face is so beautiful, so precious, so cute. I couldn’t imagine hitting her in it, bringing a sad face or tears to it over simple things she’s not responsible for. How could ANYONE hurt a small, defenseless being physically or verbally? Some say you’re not healed of your past if you cry over it. I have to agree to disagree. Your past is what defines you as an adult. You can’t forget about the past, you just don’t let it take over your present. I cried because I love my daughter so much and know I would NEVER allow her to deal with or go through the things I went through at her age.
I cried because I know no child deserves the pain that I once felt at her age. I’m not crying from anger, irritation, or because I hate anyone, I’m crying because I don’t understand how or why thousands of women have children to abuse them or hand them off to a STRANGER!
My past DOES define me, but for the best, not the worse. My past does not dictate my very being today. My flashbacks are reminders of how far I’ve come. They’re my motivation moments to keep me going and dealing with my 4 children. My memories that bring sadness to my heart, also brings joy to my soul because I’ve overcome that time and place in life. How can we become better individuals if we don’t take a walk down memory lane every now and then?
A sad past should bring about strength and confidence while living in your present. My past has shaped me into a loving, caring, involved, and observant mother. My bittersweet reminisce moments keeps me on my toes, keeps me going and reminds me of what I’ve made it through while encouraging me to never give up!
I don’t find anything wrong, nor do I consider it weakness or a sign of not healing, to spill a few tears based on sad moments from your past. I see strength and courage for being able to revisit those painful moments and using them to get you through a tough time at that moment. My view is that crying is a sign of healing, not failing to move on.
I’m grateful for my bittersweet reminisce moments because they get me through tough moments when I’m ready to explode or give up on myself! They show me, I’ve been through too much and SUCCESSFULLY made it through to many terrible things in life to try and quit now!