I just feel so tired of it all, all the time. I try so hard to maintain my sanity, my household and my children. I feel so alone in the fight to do all these things and I am just burned out. I have worked hard all my life to maintain a good life. I never want to lose. I never want to give up or give in, but sometimes I am just excited at the prospect of doing nothing!
I am constantly trying. I am constantly giving. I am constantly thinking, planning and executing thoughts and ideas to create a better life for myself and children. The only thing that is never constant is me taking care of myself. I can not seem to get the time, patience or space to just think about me and I never have the energy to just do something for me. Every now and then the opportunity is created for the break away, but I don’t trust anyone with my children to actually accept the offer.
I wonder if I make myself miserable which leads the constant mental exhaustion I feel within myself. I have so many expectations and qualities I want from others, although I probably don’t fit half of them, but at least I know my children are straight if all of those qualities are met. I know people say I need to relax and allow someone the opportunity to help me out, but then I feel like I am not protecting my children. I must protect them as priority and myself, as the person that must always be prepared to do anything for them.
I have tried to birth so many ideas, turn so many dreams into reality, yet I am unable to get the right head space to think, to do, to be. I love my children so much though. I look at all five of them everyday and think to myself about how blessed I am to have them in my life. I am proud of them, I am proud of me for creating them. I am grateful I get to raise them and enjoy them growing up. Yet, I am very tired.
My tired is a choice. My tired is self inflicted. I try not to complain, but is venting complaining, is realization a complaint? I thank God for everything he has done, provided and continues to provide and I wouldn’t change being a mommy to 4 boys and 1 girl, for anything or anyone in the world!
wisdomequalsmyname 