You know how I cringe when you go to hug me?
Well it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve suffered through so much physical and sexual trauma, my skin crawls sometimes from a simple touch. There’s triggers all over the place. Bad reminders that haunt me EVERY TIME any little thing happens.
Now how is it you, you ask?
Well when you yell at me, when you curse at me, when you loom over me angrily, you are my trigger.
You think I’m a crybaby, that I’m sensitive. Well when you walk in my shoes, you would understand why I don’t respond well to angry individuals.
Oh but wait, you will never have to walk in my shoes because you could never be me, right?
Well the least you can do is not consistently say you understand, but actually show you care.
I know, one day, I’m okay, one day I’m not. I promise you dealing with trauma and PTSD is one of the most annoying and depressive things you can suffer through on a daily.
I use to force myself to accept touch, to kiss, to allow intimacy in the bedroom, but it was at the expense of my anxiety. I couldn’t take the crying, sobbing uncontrollably, and the mind controlled hand smacks I was inflicting on my chest while you got your pleasure from reaching climax.
While you enjoyed yourself, and fixed your mind not to focus on the weirdness of a woman crying beneath you, my focus was on a past rape, a sexual assault, and how dare you continue to make love to me knowing I was literally crumbling beneath you, not by your weight but your lack of empathy.
I know, you have been hearing; “give me a day”, everyday for a month, or two at a time, sometimes longer, but I can’t put a time on healing. I can’t put a time on when I will ACTUALLY feel better. I am sorry I am not the sexualized, ‘want it everyday,’ type of wife.
I warned you, I told you. I divulged and exposed every situation I had ever been through and told you I was non emotional, non intimate unless on my time and choice. I told you my feelings are short felt and that’s why I’d been in so many relationships.
You still asked me to marry you. With a smile, with a promise to always understand and be gentle.
Yet, you say you understand, but make menacing comments, you get upset, you speak to me with so much anger and irritation in your voice. When I force ‘it’, without an emotional break down, hoping that will calm you assuming it’s my lack of giving you what you need as a man; you are good, but only for that day.
So what’s a woman who has a history of sexual assault, verbal assault, childhood abuse, plus rape, and molestation, all before the age of 15, and an adult domestic violence survivor, supposed to do? I don’t know if I will ever be ‘normal.’
I don’t know if I’ll ever be calm enough to just let ‘it’ or ‘anything’ just naturally flow or happen.
So for better or worse with you accepting and understanding my stance, while continuing to be loving and supportive, or forever we remain miserably married because I can not give you all of me, as I feel you deserve and should have in a healthy marriage?