Mommies Dearest

I feel pain. I feel heartbreak. I feel hurt. I feel confusion. I feel nasty. I feel dirty. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassment. I feel ALONE!

When I re-received my files yesterday from the state detailing the happenings of my life right before I was adopted out, I don’t know what I was expecting. I wanted to just have those papers in the event that any of the work I am doing called for it in the future. 

I actually had been expecting my adoption files that detailed the horrific abuse I endured at the hands of my adoptive mother before the adoption was terminated. I had received my foster care files years ago when I was around 20 years old. I am now 35. When I read my files then, they read differently, they looked different.

I comprehended what I read so much differently back then, than I did yesterday! When reading my files at the young age of 20, there was only one thing on my mind; knowing who my bio family was and finding them. I scanned over everything. Some things caught my eye. Other things hurt my feelings. I was blind to the severity of what I was reading because I was only focused on certain aspects of the reports in my attempt to reconnect.

YESTERDAY, Halloween Day, when I received this file yet again, after losing my previous file years ago, due to moving to a new home every two years and being careless; it was like my eyes put on a spectacle to read the words and my brain actually comprehended the text. I knew my mom told them she never loved me. I knew she told them I was a demon child. I knew she didn’t like me and would treat me mean at the visits while loving on my brother and sister. I remembered all of that from experiencing and reading the file back then. Yet, after finding her and her going silent on me when asking can she move in with me and my two young sons, I took her in. 

I didn’t want to lose ‘my mommy’ again.

I took in someone they told me hated me. I took in someone that never took me into her heart. I opened up my doors to give her shelter, food, and the love from me and my two boys, things she’d never given me, PURPOSELY. I took in a stranger whose womb I grew in, who I discovered yesterday, told the workers she would pull herself together to get my brother and sister back, but they could keep me.

THIS IS NOT THE WORST PART OF MY NEW FINDINGS…..of things already read but not noticed and comprehended. 

My bio mom. The lady who gave birth to a demon. The woman who hated the child she gave birth to, she was sexually abusing her. She was touching me and letting me watch her engage in sexual acts with men. Her brother, one of my 3 Uncles, although the file didn’t show a name, was sexually abusing me as well. I was acting out sexually and doing things no 4 year old should have been doing. The files said my discussion at the therapy’s sessions was obsession with food and sex. 

The social workers findings was that I was the most physically abused, sexually abused, and malnourished in comparison to my brother and sister. So I was hit the most, touched the most, and starved the most……

I talked about breasts and ‘cooters.’

‘COOTERS this being a term that my bio mom has said to me as an adult woman when discussing various things. This word struck me in my heart and my spirit deflated. 

I honestly wasn’t too sure if I should believe the words I was reading up until that point. At this point I knew my mom was also my sexual predator. She sexually used me until the state took me from her care at 3 1/2 years old and then expressed her disgust and hatred of my existence.

My subconscious mind must have remembered this trauma as my body has been shut down most of my marriage and I was careless most of my young adulthood.

I feel weird now, I’m just going to be honest. 

I am saddened that her trauma has caused me intimacy problems with the one person in my life that wholeheartedly loves me the most and deserves the intimate parts of me. I’m upset that I can not be soft, calm, and submissive, and instead have my guards up all the time unintentionally, based on what she, my uncle and some 10 year old boy did to me as a BABY, A TODDLER! 

Here I am struggling to love myself. Finding it hard to believe I am beautiful. Trying to justify and explain why I am the way I am, and I have been missing so many pieces to my very NOW. The reports read I sung to the therapist, telling them I was an ugly dark little girl and mommy had a new daughter because if it. My mother told them I was too dark. She told me I was ugly and she had my sister because I did not meet her expectations. 

I have struggled with self-esteem issues my entire life. I have never felt pretty. I have gotten offended when people told me I was. I have hidden my face not going anywhere unnecessarily because I was hiding my ugliness.

I thought this behavior stemmed from the bullying I experienced as a young adult when the other girls were jealous of men liking me over them. While that had something to do with it, the complexity of it all was shame of my image. My mother told me I was ugly and sexually abused me anyways, the girls told me I was ugly and bullied me, and the men told me I was pretty and so I freely gave myself to them. 

I was afraid of being beautiful. I have been afraid to be pretty. I don’t even know how to do my own makeup. When I am dressed and my hair is done, I have to fake my confidence to feel like what others tell me I look like. I have avoided being liked because how could anyone really like me? If I’m pretty, the girls don’t like me. If I’m ugly, the guys want to sleep with me. If I don’t sleep with them, than I must be ugly. 

The confusion this reading just caused me is unexplainable and it is devastating. Yet, it is helping me figure out some of my shortcomings and issues. It hurts opening up old wounds. It is exhausting discovering such sad things happened to me that I don’t fully remember. It’s also just as hurtful and difficult knowing that these situations are still replaying in the back of my mind affecting my current life. I will take this information and work on getting the help I need now that I know exactly what that is!

I was ALSO the most abused of my adoptive mothers 5 adopted children as well. No one that should have loved me had ever even liked me. At 17 almost 18, I found my adoptive mother and asked her why she’d abused me. She told me I was heathen and I did not know how to let anyone love me. She also denied the abuse. 

This is my story!

LADIES PLEASE STOP having kids you don’t really want! If you’re not going to treat them right, don’t assume someone else will……because that is NOT always the result of giving your child up!